A Suicide Note
by GenvieveWoolf
Summary: The title tells you the main character, the topic and the category.  A/suicide/Death Note.  Character death. If you're looking for humor, check out some of my other stories. Rated T for suicide.
1. Rivalry

_Don't be alarmed-the author is not about to kill herself, despite the fact that the plot of this first chapter is somewhat parallel to recent events in her life. Subsequent chapters have no such similarities. This chapter could be considered a one-shot, but there is more to come._

_WARNING: character death. Spoilers for those not familiar with Wammy House history._

* * *

B made it a point to remember birthdays. So when A turned fifteen, he found it strange that B was the one friend who didn't wish him a happy one.

A and B hadn't always been friends. And it seemed they weren't close by any means lately. But there had been a time.

When Wammy House was new, A and B had been instant rivals because it was expected. Succeeding L was important. Being number one was more important. The pressure was enormous. A hated B. B threatened his status daily. Sometimes A would think to himself that it was all pointless. He just wanted it to stop, by whatever means necessary.

Then B came to his room one night.

"Get out!" A cried, rushing to cover his calculus project before any of his work could be stolen.

"Relax," said B. He walked calmly to the foot of A's bed and hopped onto it, pulling his knees up under his chin. He eyed A at his desk. "I've been thinking," he said.

"News flash," A muttered.

"We don't have to hate each other," B declared.

A wasn't sure how to react. "Are you… saying you want help with homework?"

B half-smiled. "Nah. I'm saying let's quit putting so much effort into disliking each other and we'll have more to put into our projects. Just because we want to beat each other doesn't mean we can't associate on any level."

A thought it over. B's statements were logical. "All right," he said slowly.

He still disliked B, but B kept coming around. At first, A suspected him of trying to spy or sabotage, but as time went by he realized that B truly was leaving his battle in the testing room. Once he was sure of that, things got better. They sometimes ate meals together. Eventually they began to enjoy playing games together. Things were good.

But then they became teens. The older Wammy children were beginning to talk about graduating and careers. A began to worry that he would be separated from B. Number one was still important, but it seemed less so these days.

"I've been thinking," A told B one night.

"News flash," B said with a small smile.

A ignored him. "If you're L's successor I can go with you and… be your assistant or something."

B raised an eyebrow. "You'd do that? I mean you'd be satisfied with that? Wouldn't you want to do something on your own? Number two is not cool."

"Well…" A wasn't sure now that he dared say the rest of what he'd been thinking. But he decided he had to try. "I thought maybe if I was chosen, you could come with me."

"Be your assistant?"

"Not necessarily… but help me…"

"No thanks. If I don't make it, I'll be making my own plans. Going it alone."

A didn't want to admit it to himself, but he was crushed. "I just hoped… I thought we could stay together."

"It's a big world out there, Asker. And it's not like Wammy's. You may as well get used to flying solo."

As the elder of the two, A didn't like to be talked to that way. "I can do whatever I want," he snapped. "I just thought it would be nice if I could be with you."

B let it go and A was glad. Alone in his room that night he let himself cry a little. The teenage years were hard enough without B acting like a jerk.

Little by little, the two drifted apart again.

_How did this happen?_ A wondered to himself. _Things were going so well. _He decided it was his turn to bridge the gap. He went to B's room one night.

"What are you doing here?" B asked—not in a threatening way, but not very friendly either.

"I've made up my mind," A said quietly. "I want to be where you are."

B blinked. "Um… here you are…"

"I mean after Wammy's. Whether I'm L's successor or you are or neither—I want to be with you. We might be able to work together, and—"

"Hold it," B said. "Why are you so hell-bent to be with me?"

"I don't know… you're my friend," A said, looking at the floor.

"Well… that's fine and everything… We can be friends, but… I um… you're acting kinda like a stalker, you know."

A flushed. "It's not like that at all. It's just—there isn't really anything else I care about. I don't have any family…"

"What about succeeding L? Don't you care about that?"

"Sure, but… once it's decided, it's decided. Either I will or I won't. It shouldn't affect whether or not I'm with you."

"I dunno, A," B said, looking uncomfortable. "I've kind of been building some plans, you know?"

"Will you at least think about it?" A pleaded.

"Sure. I'll think about it."

A knew it didn't mean anything. But he also knew it was all he would get.

The rivalry was building back. A couldn't keep his mind made up from one day to the next whether he wanted to be L's successor or whether he wanted B to be. If neither of them was, he didn't know what he would do. He felt he would no longer have a purpose to his life.

Slowly, it became obvious that B's plans were all or nothing—become the next L or do something completely different. Either way, he was planning to work on his own.

A found it increasingly difficult to keep his head above the academic waters. He felt that his efforts were pointless. He didn't want to be L's successor if he had to be separated from B. But if B wouldn't stay with him either way then losing to him would equal disaster. His work was sporadic—feverish and brilliant at times, slow and mediocre at others.

Because of their academic success, A and B were held in awe by the other students. A hated the attention, but B loved it. He was also envied because he bore a resemblance to L, which he had begun to capitalize on. On the rare occasions when L visited Wammy's, B took the opportunity to study his mannerisms so he could imitate them. He knew that L found A easier to relate to, but he seemed sure that this would change soon.

One day, L arrived at the school without warning. He had just completed one of the greatest cases of his budding career and come back to recuperate. Most of the time he spent by himself in his room, but once in a while he came out to mingle with the students.

Exams were going on that week, and in the days leading up to them B had begun to boast that there wasn't a question his teachers could throw at him that he couldn't handle. He was confident that this round would place him securely at the top of the charts.

"To prove it, I will get one physics question wrong," B declared to some of his friends. "The rest, I will get correct. Anyone can make a few educated guesses and get lucky, but if you know I'm planning to get just one question wrong out of a thousand, it will be impossible for me to achieve by chance."

A did not overhear this conversation, but he did hear about B's confidence. It did nothing to help his own.

One evening L ran into A in a hallway and the two began a conversation.

"How have your classes been lately?" L asked A.

"We just had some major exams," A said, wrapping his arms around himself and feeling slightly sick. "Results will be posted any time now. I did the best I could, but I was working so quickly, I'm not sure all of my theorems were sound…"

"Why don't you walk to dinner with me," L proposed. "We can talk on the way."

A nodded. He recounted a few of his test questions to L and explained his answers.

"Your logic seems right to me so far," L said as they neared the cafeteria. "What else did you find difficult?"

Just then, B rounded a corner in front of them, accompanied by a couple of admirers. He looked at A and grinned like he knew something no one else knew. Something special that would not benefit A.

L looked to his right to see A's reaction, but A had turned away. The boy was walking down the hall, back the way they had come. L frowned.

"Oh well," B said cheerfully, "may I accompany you to dinner, L-san? I was just telling these two about my test results. They were excellent. I got exactly the score I had hoped to get. I'm going to be just like you."

"I'm very proud of you," L said emotionlessly. "But perhaps you should not be quite so proud of yourself." He wondered what had made A decide not to attend supper. Could he not stand B's company?

* * *

A didn't leave his room from dinnertime to curfew. At one point, he heard students talking in the hallway. They were discussing their exam results—some of them had done quite well, apparently, but none as well as he and B had. And B had gotten just the score he'd hoped to get. He tried to shut out the sounds and concentrate on what he had to do that night.

A did not come to breakfast the next morning, either.

* * *

_Morbid, I know... it wasn't meant to be happy. I have two more chapters which I will post soon-they're not happy either, just to warn you._


	2. Mystery

_For those who for some reason enjoyed or appreciated the first chapter, here's another for you. L is the main character of this chapter.  
_

* * *

A did not come to breakfast the next morning, either. L sat alone at a corner table, watching the students. After a few minutes, one of the older students came to tell him that Watari wanted to see him in his office.

L padded along the corridors to Watari's office, knocked and entered. Watari closed the door behind L, which was not something he normally did at Wammy's, as a rule. He invited L to sit down.

When L was seated, Watari brought his own chair around from behind his desk and sat in front of L.

"L, I have some very sad news," Watari said gravely.

L searched Watari's face for some clue, but all he could deduce was that the news was indeed very sad. "What is it?" he asked, a heavy feeling settling in his stomach.

Watari shook his head, as if he had tried to think of a good way to tell his news and failed. "It's about A."

"Yes?" L waited. He wanted Watari to hurry, but he could see that this was very difficult for his mentor, so he tried to be patient.

Putting a hand on L's shoulder, Watari said gently, "A is dead."

Time seemed to stop. There had to be some way he could fix it. Watari had trained him to solve anything, hadn't he? _No... not this._ "How?" L asked.

Watari looked down and sighed a long, tired sigh. "I don't want you to tell anyone else this," he said slowly, "but I'm afraid A took his own life."

L's eyes became moist. He stared at Watari's hands. He had never noticed how worn and wrinkled they were.

"He laced a mask with chloroform and put it over his face when he went to bed."

"Are... are you sure he wasn't just using it to go to sleep? And misjudged?" L knew his suggestion was far-fetched at best, but he didn't like the alternative.

"No. It would take very little to put a person to sleep, and the mask was drenched. Also, he had fastened it in place so he would continue to breathe the chloroform in even after he was unconscious. And we found a copy of the key to the medical lab in his drawer. I'm sorry, L, but... it is clear to me that it wasn't an accident," Watari concluded.

L's mind was overwhelmed with the image of B grinning. "No," He said quietly, "I suppose it couldn't have been an accident... but..." he stopped himself.

Watari's eyes became wide. "What are you suggesting?" he asked. Then he relaxed again, looking tired. "L, I know your investigative skills are superb. But this time it is not a case for you to solve. A... left a note..."

L looked up, surprised. "A death note? one you didn't want me to know about," he guessed.

"I didn't want to upset you any more than I had to."

"Well... I know now that it would upset me. The only way to know how much is to let me read it. Please, Watari."

The old teacher sighed and went to retrieve the suicide note from his desk. "It is A's handwriting," he said, guessing L's thoughts. "I'm sure of it."

L took the note, trying not to indulge the thought that B was a clever imitator, that he could easily forge A's writing…

_To whom it may concern:_

_I know that I am not meant to be at the top of this program. But knowing what I know, having learned what I have learned, I do not believe I can strive for any other goal. To the one who discovers my body, I am sorry. And to L I am most sorry that I could not do you justice. When one's trying is not good enough, it is time to choose a different path, I believe. You have my deepest regard. I wish good fortune to all at the Wammy House. I ask that I may be buried near my family, if you know where they lie._

_Sincerely, Answered_

"Answered?" L asked, keeping his feelings distracted by his curiosity. "I don't remember his ever calling himself that."

Watari shook his head. "He was always just A. But a few of the students used to call him Ask in the old days. When he became more respected, they sometimes called him Answer."

L touched the word on the paper lightly with one forefinger. _Answered. _"What will you tell the children?" He asked.

"That A has died," Watari replied. "I won't lie to them, but I don't intend to tell them what happened. They are not to know the specifics.

L nodded. "May I see him?"

Watari looked very moved. "I think you had better wait a bit; then ask me again," he instructed.

"All right."

* * *

Watari allowed L to see A's body some time later, though he seemed to disapprove.

L looked the student over carefully, lightly touching his hair, gently tilting his head from side to side, examining his hands and wrists. He looked at the surgical mask and its elastic band. At last, he stepped away and allowed Watari to recover the corpse.

"There was no struggle," he said quietly. "No sign that anyone disturbed him."

"I know it is very difficult," Watari began.

"Yes. I'm sorry, Watari. If you have a record of his family's burial sites, you should honor his request."

Watari nodded. "I'll check on that this afternoon."

L hoped that fulfilling A's request would ease Watari's unhappiness. For himself he knew there was no comfort; he would have to bury his anguish as he had done since he was a small child.

* * *

That evening, L wandered through the empty hallways after curfew, remembering past visits. At the scoreboard he paused, remembering the students who would put off going to look at it. Some of them even asked their friends to look first, to let them know if it was all right, or to prepare them if the news was bad.

He set his finger in the middle of the list of letters and ran it upwards until it stopped on B. Then he followed the line to the right (everything was written out in English, since it was the main language in which all the students were expected to be fluent) until he reached the collective score for all the tests of the week. "B…..99.9%" He moved his finger up again. "100%" He looked quickly to the left. "A….." A had beaten B. A had gotten full marks on every single question. L moved his finger to his mouth and stared at the board, contemplating.

_Did A even see the scores?_ he wondered. And was it better to be like A, to not be certain, but to do your best and come out on top? Or was it better to be like B, confident to a fault, so sure that you could know that every single answer would stand up to scrutiny, except one?

_We will never know._ If no one surpassed B, then the cold, calculating genius would be the next L, and there would be no telling what might have been, had A survived. More than the frustration of a difficult puzzle, L hated the frustration of knowing with certainty that a puzzle was unsolvable.

* * *

_One more chapter coming, for those of you who like depressing stories. Truth be told, I've been planning this one for a while, and I finally got into a bad enough mood to write it!_


	3. Insanity

_Last part, and shortest. B's reaction.  
_

* * *

B felt wooden. It was an interesting sensation.

He had found it a little strange that A hadn't been around the day before, but he'd assumed A had been resting up after the exams. After all, A had never been a particularly resilient one, physically.

But now, when Watari announced that A was dead, he didn't seem to know how to feel about it. So he just stopped feeling.

_I'm a piece of wood,_ he concluded. Sounds seemed to have stopped, too. He could see blurry images of his fellow students whispering to each other, but he couldn't hear them. He wondered vaguely if he could move. He couldn't hear Watari anymore, either. The last he'd heard was that A had passed away. Watari had begun by addressing the fact that many of them had wondered lately where A was…

B blinked several times quickly, and his vision cleared a little.

_I'm wooden and my eyelids are windshield wipers._ He peered between the heads of his classmates. He managed to turn his head and look behind him. _My neck must be rubber… or jointed. It moves._

At the back of the classroom, he could see L hovering, looking like he didn't want to be noticed._ L_ _Lawliet._ B's vision became clear as crystal when he read the name floating above L's head. _What do they mean? Why can I see their names? Why can I see those numbers?_

Be hadn't mentioned the names or numbers to anyone since he was a small child. He'd been diagnosed as insane and accused of worse. Demonism, witchcraft, lying, trickery. He'd been put into a psychiatric hospital at the age of six. Only after he had pretended for a full year that he didn't remember seeing any names or numbers over anyone's head, and did not know why he might have said such a thing before, was he released.

_But I know I'm not insane. I've gotten better scores than all the kids here. I'm brilliant. But the names are still here, all around me. So they must be there. And those numbers mean something. I have to know what. A's number was smaller than most...  
_

L was returning B's look now. Only B wasn't looking directly at L. And a moment later, L glanced above his own head, as if searching for the thing that had captivated B's gaze.

_But he can't see. No one can see but me. No one else has my eyes._

Something like a strong wind or a wave of water was rushing between the two of them now. B didn't know or care what it was. He looked into L's eyes when they were lowered again. He stared at his mentor.

_L doesn't appreciate me. I've done everything I could to emulate him. But he'd rather spend time with A than with me. Well, he's dead now! Now do you want me? Now that you finally look at me, as if for the first time!_

The rushing stopped. Something touched his shoulder and he could feel again. As he turned his head around, he realized he could hear again.

"Come along, B. Did you hear me? There are no classes today, so you may do as you like."

It was Watari. B looked around and saw that all the other students had left-that was the rushing. The room was empty except for Watari, Roger, L and himself.

He knew he should answer. _Will a wooden mouth open? Can it form sounds?_

"Yes… thank you." _Yes, and what strange sounds it forms! That isn't my voice._ He slid off the chair he'd been crouching on and slouched toward the door.

* * *

L watched B go. Then he said quietly, "He seemed very distracted."

"He and A were friends," Watari explained.

"Were they." L blinked slowly, then ran a hand through his untidy hair, wondering what had captured B's attention for so long.

* * *

_What just happened?_ B thought to himself. A student had died. Unexpectedly. "Due to an unfortunate oversight," Watari had said. B wondered what that might mean.

_I'll go ask A what he thinks.

* * *

So begins B's insanity. I don't plan to add more to this story, but I may write a sequel later. Much later, I hope... I need to get out of this morbid mindset._


End file.
